"

"…And I, I can’t come alive
I want the room to take me under
‘Cause I can’t help but wonder what if I
Had one more night for goodbye
If you’re not here to turn the lights off I can’t sleep…

These four walls and me.

"

Little Mix, These Four Walls

Stay Ready

I don’t think I have posted an actual blog post since the summer. This is the perfect time to post because I am alone with my thoughts on a Friday night.

Last semester was a hell of a trip. My classes went pretty well. It was the first fall semester at Trinity that I received like, a lot of straight As. Lol, Trinity is a hard school. Harder than a lot of people would believe. I also take classes that are, well, kind of difficult. Haha but that is me…I love a challenge. Why breeze through school with a subject you already know a lot about? That’s not learning. That’s cheating through life. 

Winter break was pretty well, but I am writing a thesis and I am applying to graduate schools and fellowships. It is difficult balancing that work with schoolwork and work work (I work at the daycare on campus part-time). So far I have been fine, but I don’t want to lose track. For some reason, I feel like I am losing motivation. I don’t know if it is senioritis or the fact that I am graduating from college…and that is a pretty scary thing. 

There is one thing I am doing this summer - going to Ghana. My second African country in about a year (I left South Africa last June, and I will go to Ghana this upcoming May). I leave the country ten days after graduation. It is for a program called Community Water Solutions. They bring clean drinking water to people in the northern region (Tamale) through water treatment - they do not drill wells. Using simple elements cleans the water. It is amazing - and so many people have been impacted. I can’t wait to go.

But there are times that I am scared. 

I am scared of the future. I hope I get into the fellowship I want - or at least a graduate school. I hope that I can help people when I graduate from grad school. I don’t want an education in vain.

I am scared that I push potential mates away. I do this because I am scared that my heart will be broken again. I am scared that I will never find the one. I am scared that I will forever have brief relationships. I am scared that I will never have the family I want to have.

I am scared of fighting with someone who I was involved with a while back (I have mentioned him plenty of times on here). He is a “leader” (I use that lightly) of a group I am involved with on campus. I don’t like his leadership - and I will say that to his face on Monday when we have a meeting. It has nothing to do with our past, but I am scared that he will interpret it that way. 

I am scared of telling myself that I am brave. Because if I try to be brave and fail, what will I have left?

I’ll tell you. Everything. I am a beautiful person. I make mistakes but I learn from them. I am stronger than I think I am.

When I find my peace, everything will fall into place.

So I have to tell myself to be brave. And stay ready. 

xx

"I was weak then, and you knew it."

When I meet someone in person who isn’t as good looking as their pictures

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